“Be Still and Know that I am God.”
Psalm 46:10 has long been one of my favorite verses in scripture. I bought these coffee mugs at least 10 years ago. During a time when I was in touch with slowing down and finding God daily. My kids were young and life was more simple. I was saturated with God and it was wonderful. The pieces were in place to keep myself connected to God – bible study, prayer, volunteering at church, speaking at church events, a couple’s book club focused on furthering our faith etc. I remember feeling as if I could only go “further up and further in.” (CS Lewis , The Last Battle).
I thought my faith was strong, but it had not been tested. Then some things happened in life (as they do for all of us) that threw me off course. I did not lose my faith, but I definitely lost some of my connection to God. He didn’t move, I did.
We are all creatures of habit, and I began to drift from good habits which kept me close to God. Daily prayer became once in a while prayer, I dropped out of bible study, pulled back from church, was just going through the motions. I got busier and busier, distracting myself with as many things as possible.
I am grateful for the Catholic church and her sacraments because the one thing I did do was go to mass. I believe the grace received there kept the connection alive (it was just that I was not fully present to God). But God will work with what He gets and that’s all I had to give him for about seven years.
Two years ago for the first time in my life, I began to have health issues. I got sick, had surgery, and had to slow down. In the slowing down I found myself wondering what life was really all about, what is my purpose? I really hit me that I was not in control at all. ( I have spent most of my life trying to control everything around me.) All of this has happened as I approach 50 and so I have also felt my own mortality for the first time. A reality check.
In the slowing down of the last two years I began to see God again. Some of my old, good habits are coming back. Writing this blog is part of the waking up and coming back alive. It’s a process, and it has only just begun, but I am excited to see where God will take me.
I am open and not afraid. I do trust God, which is not a small thing for me. I have been working on trusting God for most of my life (maybe many of us do?). So today, I am thankful for the health issues that made me stop and reassess my life. I am thankful that the path is more clear now. I am thankful for this day and am excited to see what He will teach me as the day unfolds.
A great friend send me this quote earlier this week, it couldn’t have been better timing. It’s CS Lewis from The Problem of Pain:
“The Christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”
PS – I am also thankful for the autosave feature on wordpress that helped me when I wrote this post and then thought I lost it!