Discerning, listening, praying

“Teach me good discernment and knowledge, For I believe in Your commandments.”

Psalm 119:66

For the last three weeks I thought God was calling me to go back to work full time.  Full time, full time, as in nights and weekends too.  I was interviewing for a church job that involves bringing people into the church and also involves creating adult education programs at church.  I was convinced it was the perfect job for me and that my 2 teens at home could handle my absence.

I discerned, I prayed, I talked to friends who know me and my family.  I prayed and I prayed.  And I thought I heard God pulling me to the job.  But it turns out what I heard was myself.  I wanted the job.  I wanted to be a big girl again.  I wanted to prove I could do something valuable and real.  As if mothering and being a wife isn’t real and valuable.

I involved my two at home kids in the process.  The boy was fine with me going back to work – the girl was not.  I did not want to make the decision based on the kids’ preferences.  I wanted to do what God wanted me to do.  But sometimes it’s hard to know God’s will.

Ultimately I decided that I made a commitment to my three children to raise them all until college age while being a stay at home mom.  I have always known since I held my oldest in my arms that this was the path for me.   But my pride and my ego and my restless heart got in the way and boy did I really want to be back in the work force full time.  The reality is, my kids are only with us at home for three and a half more years.  And the biggest gift I can give them is my presence, my support, and my love while they are here.  I am more present when I am not working full time.  There are plenty of jobs (paid or volunteer) I can do while they are at school from 9-3.

I learned a lot from this discernment process. I learned that things are not always as they seem, and that seeing God’s will is difficult.  And sometimes we get it wrong.  I also learned where my heart is.  It is in the middle of this family that God gave me and entrusted to me.  I am extremely thankful for the gift of children and all they teach me.  I pray that God will continue to show me how to be the mother they need.

I am also reminded to be joyful where I am right now, in this day.  What I have always wanted is right here in front of me.  I just have to open my eyes and see.  See Jesus in my life, walking with me, filling me, loving me.  Right where I am.  If I can share that with my children and they know how much God loves them, and that He is present to them in their daily lives,  then I am doing alright.

Listen to Open the Eyes of My Heart