“Teach me good discernment and knowledge, For I believe in Your commandments.”
For the last three weeks I thought God was calling me to go back to work full time. Full time, full time, as in nights and weekends too. I was interviewing for a church job that involves bringing people into the church and also involves creating adult education programs at church. I was convinced it was the perfect job for me and that my 2 teens at home could handle my absence.
I discerned, I prayed, I talked to friends who know me and my family. I prayed and I prayed. And I thought I heard God pulling me to the job. But it turns out what I heard was myself. I wanted the job. I wanted to be a big girl again. I wanted to prove I could do something valuable and real. As if mothering and being a wife isn’t real and valuable.
I involved my two at home kids in the process. The boy was fine with me going back to work – the girl was not. I did not want to make the decision based on the kids’ preferences. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. But sometimes it’s hard to know God’s will.
Ultimately I decided that I made a commitment to my three children to raise them all until college age while being a stay at home mom. I have always known since I held my oldest in my arms that this was the path for me. But my pride and my ego and my restless heart got in the way and boy did I really want to be back in the work force full time. The reality is, my kids are only with us at home for three and a half more years. And the biggest gift I can give them is my presence, my support, and my love while they are here. I am more present when I am not working full time. There are plenty of jobs (paid or volunteer) I can do while they are at school from 9-3.
I learned a lot from this discernment process. I learned that things are not always as they seem, and that seeing God’s will is difficult. And sometimes we get it wrong. I also learned where my heart is. It is in the middle of this family that God gave me and entrusted to me. I am extremely thankful for the gift of children and all they teach me. I pray that God will continue to show me how to be the mother they need.
I am also reminded to be joyful where I am right now, in this day. What I have always wanted is right here in front of me. I just have to open my eyes and see. See Jesus in my life, walking with me, filling me, loving me. Right where I am. If I can share that with my children and they know how much God loves them, and that He is present to them in their daily lives, then I am doing alright.